So I'm totally, like, out there with my telescope looking at the stars cuz, like you know, Dad (Mom?) is always like "Your Grandfather Cthulululu will return when the stars are right!"
One time when she (he?) said that whole bit I was, like, "so what happens when Grandpa gets back?"
"Then, then my slime, we shall rule the world!!!"
"Why do you want to do that?"
Then dad looked kind of nervous and starts sliming back and forth.
"We...we will be able to overthrow the kingdoms of man and have all the worshipers we want to eat!"
I was about to ask him why he would want that, cuz, like he can't keep the toilet of evil from overflowing, so what would he do with an entire planet, but right at moment he was all, "Got to go to work! Now you be evil!"
So I think that whole biz is a line of crap. But I still go out and look. The only problem is that he never said what the stars are supposed to look like when they are right.
Anyways, so I'm all out there with my telescope, looking up at the stars when Herbert comes blundering through and trips on my tripod.
"Ere now!"
He falls over everything and knocks my stuff down just when I had set everything up so nicely. I was going to ask him what he was doing out here in the middle of the night but then, if I had that hellspawn Xema for a girlfriend, I'd be trying to get away from her every chance I had too.
"Oh, just looking at the stars..."
Herbert turned and squinted upwards.
"Whots there to lookit?"
"I'm trying to figure out whether they're right."
"Roight for what?"
I considered trying to explain the whole Grandpa bit to him.
"Oh, just generally right I guess."
Herbert considered this for a bit and then looked back up at the stars.
"No."
"What?"
"You wanta see if the staars are roight? Near as ah can tell they say nu."
I gazed at Herbert and wondered if Heartworms would miss one student.
"How can you tell?"
Herbert pointed at a region of the sky. Sure enough, "No" was spelled out in fiery letters.
"Oh…wonder why I never noticed before."
I absent mindedly started to gather up my telescope.
"You know, lookin at you in the moonlight n' all, you look different..."
I got all, like, excited for a sec, cuz I had put some new phosphorescent stuff in the ole cytoplasm today.
"Is it the glowie bits?"
"Niaye...sits more a general, something"
It seemed like I heard an orchestra, or at least a piano starting up in the background, but it all kinda like stopped when...
"There you are! What are you doing with Alex?"
The girl-fiend herself had put in an appearance. Herbert looked over in a puzzled kind of way.
"Erbert."
"Whatever!"
She glared at me so hard I wondered if the rocks were starting to smolder.
"Chill-out man! Goth-boy and I were just talking."
"In the middle of the night?"
"I was looking at the stars!"
Xema glanced accusingly up at them. Herbert held up a broken telescope that he had fallen on.
"My telescope!"
I oozed over to Herbert and cradled it in my arms...psuedopods...whatever, but flubbed it and ended up with Herbert in my...you know.
"ARGH!"
Xema was literally frothing at the mouth by now. I dropped Herbert.
"Owww!"
"Die you slut!"
With a loud clang Xema's sword went clear through my body, the telescope I had been holding, and a good way into the rock beneath it. There are ways to kill a giant amoeba, but hacking at them with a sword ain't one of them. Twit.
"Great, just great. What else can go wrong tonight?"
In the mean time, Xema was trying to get her sword free from the rock where it was stuck.
"Just…wait…till…I...get…this…"
With a look of disgust I left the two of them up on the crag. And the scope had been a present from Mom! Or Dad...whatever.
* * * * *
"Bend your knees this time!" shouted Dr. Finkelsteen, the teacher for Alchemy. The other teachers burst into laughter, chortling and slapping the man on the back.
Down on the field, Phew, a first year student from some backwater, dove wildly to the left, barely avoiding a cut from a large thug of a barbarian. Some chap named Pippin or some such was groveling before another warrior, begging for his life.
"Die Wizard!"
"Argh!"
Watching all this I turned to Mr. Makekithart, our Phys-Ed teacher.
"Are you sure that wasn't like, you know, a foul or something?"
Makekithart looked at me with, like, this weird grin on his face and a look in his eye and said: "Whaaa?"
Herbert, a look of abject terror on his face, was clutching Xema with a death grip as he watched the players on the field.
"Aieeee!"
"But the ball's that way!"
"Ball? What babble is this, mage?"
I was standing on the sidelines with the rest of my terrorized classmates as the rest of our class was variously beaten, pummeled or eviscerated. The teachers had been like all pumped about the annual football game between Heartworms and Barb-U (that's short for Barbarian University), but this really sucked.
"Isn't there supposed to be like a referee or something?" I asked Mr. Makekithart. He just laughed until his big fat face turned red and he yelled up to the stands where the other teachers were.
"One of the students (bwahahaha!) wants to know where the (gasp, wheeze) referees are! Haw! Haw! Haw!"
All the twits up in the stands started laughing and doubling over again. Over all hilarity the shrill voice of W3 came in with an ear-splitting cackle.
"Why don't you send her into the game to find them! Heeeehehehehehaw!"
The other teachers were like, giving her high-fives and stuff. Mr. Makekithart also seemed to think this was a great idea. The other students on the sidelines were also enthused about it. No pressure.
"You go out there and make us proud!"
I looked around at the rest of the students who seemed to have grabbed onto this idea like their lives depended on it.
"But…but I'll get my ectoplasm dirty!"
Without touching me, Makekithart was trying to urge me onto the field.
"Oh don't be such a baby!"
The sideline seemed like the edge of a cliff.
"But I don't know how to play!"
"You'll figured it out soon enough, now off you go!"
Mr. Makekithart turned and ran like there was a barbarian chasing after him. I turned my eye-stalk and saw that indeed there was a large barbarian heading right towards me.
"Die hellspawn!"
The big lug raised a sword and drove it through my cell wall. It stuck in the ground and started dissolving.
"My…my sword! You shall pay for this fiend!"
"Why? How much was it?"
"Do not attempt to escape from my wrath by bewitching me!"
The guy dove at me and let me tell you, he had some serious body odor. The idiot managed to jam his face right into a vacuole filled with my, like, digestive enzymes. Before I could do anything, he screamed, jumped up and ran away.
Further on down the field was a classmate who had seen better days.
"Help me! Help me!"
"I'll be right there!" I called reassuringly as I oozed in his direction.
"HELP ME! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T LET THAT THING EAT ME!"
I totally couldn't figure out what he was babbling about: I hadn't seen anyone on either team eat anyone else, but before I could reach him a gang of barbarians, probably the friends of that other twerp can running up towards me.
"That's the one that ate Gonad's face! Kill it!"
There were more yells of "Dieeee!" and other stupid stuff, but one benefit of being a spawn of the oldie ones is knowing how to put upstart mammals in their place.
+0+4L p0wn4ge!
The kid I had been trying to help had managed to crawl off to the sidelines, while those pussy barbarians seemed to encourage the rest of their gang to head for the hills.
All the kids on the sidelines were really like "You go slime!" and "Who bad? We bad!" and stuff, though the teachers didn't seem as in to it. I swear they looked disappointed.
My class tried to carry me around on their shoulders, but I tended to ooze through them, so they just settled on cheering for me. Except Xema. She had wanted to play.
* * * * *
I guess the idea behind Parent's Day is for the parents to, like, see their children...ya know? The odd thing was that the parents that seemed like the happiest were the ones whose kids had died. They were shaking hands with the teachers and smiling, whereas the ones whose children had made it were scowling and stuff.
At least my parents were happy to see me. Dad had split in two for the occasion so both Mom and Dad were there!
"Who's my leeeetle slime-ums?" Asked Mom.
"Hero of the Heart-v-U game!" Proclaimed Dad.
I formed a mouth and grinned happily as they smothered me. After we had, like, gotten things straight again we talking about school and stuff when there was this flash of light and Glenda the Good appeared.
"Oh hello Mr. Slime; I mean Ms. Slime! Er...Slime..."
Ms. always smiling's face dropped a stitch and she looked down.
"Um...sorry to be ah...standing in you. Your-child-is-doing-very-well-oh-look-I-have-to-go!"
At least Glenda didn't stay long.
I was so glad my roomie wasn’t around to see the whole thing (she had bought it in biology when Prof. Xenerside had neglected to mention that the insects we were messing with were very poisonous), and my parents had brought some extra acids, bases and some worshiper casserole (they don't make it the same at Heartworms…actually they don't, like, make it here at all), so I put all the stuff away after Mom & Dad fused back together and headed off.
I was like, oozing around the hallways, not because I was all happy from seeing my parents cuz that would be, like totally immature, when I passed Prof. Sideous's room. He was in talking with Herbert's parents.
"And I want to congratulate you on my son's recent ah…'graduation' from Heartwords."
I couldda sworn that 'Erb's dad slipped the wizened old creep some money.
"Ah...hehehe...it was nothing." Darth Sideous made the money smoothly disappear.
"Oh! Don't worry Mr...ah...Herbert's Dad! Herb's fine!"
Herbert's father turned abruptly towards me. Darth's eyes, more slowly, swiveled to where I was.
"I...I just saw him..." One nice thing to being a slime is that in these situations I don't have to worry about whether you non-slimies can read my expression. Herb's father glared at Darth.
"Is this true?"
"I can assure you that Herbert will graduate on schedule...along with anyone else who warrants such an honor."
His last statement was made through gritted teeth as the teachers eyes blazed under his hood.
I couldn't figure out what the problem was with these two, but I decided that I should move along.
"I guess I'll just be moving on now..."
I had only just oozed out of the doorway when a blast of eldritch, like, power flashed through the door and blasted the wall behind it. I guess Darth wanted to show off his skill. There followed some angry sounding whispers.
No offense, but sometimes you upright types are weird.
* * * * *
It was exam cram time. Mid-terms. Our class had already lost 7 students and W3 had threatened to execute anyone who failed the test. I was kinda, like, worried; but only a little because I'm not sure that she knows anything that can really hurt me.
But just in case, I decided to study.
I was trying to find someone else in class to study with, ya know, but most of them were useless.
"We're doomed, doomed!"
"But don't you want to study, just in case? I mean there's still, like, a chance you could pass."
"DOOOOOOMED!"
Some of the guys in my class were more practical.
"Like, what are you doing?"
"Ack! Phew! Just you Yog, thought it was Sideous or something."
"Nah, just trying to find someone to study with. Are you trying to build a tunnel?"
"Well, I thought it was more productive than blubbering like Cinderella."
"You have a point there...but, like, there are supposed to be crypts that connect to the basement ya know."
"Nah, that's just a..."
Right then a bit of the floor where Peter was working gave way. A thin, dirty hand shot up through the opening and grabbed one of his legs.
"Aaaaargh!"
I guess that made 8 students we had lost, but I'm not sure if I should chalk that one up to the school or something else.
As I was studying in the library one day, I noticed Herb sitting off in a nook by himself. Looking closer I thought that he seemed much less, like, jumpy than the rest of the class. Almost dreamy, sitting there and staring out the window.
I oozed over to him.
"Hey Herb! Are you studying for the big exams?"
"Eh?"
He squinted at me. I noticed his eyes were kinda red looking and there was a box of Kleenexes next to him.
"The test? You know - the one that WWW threatened to turn people into toads for?"
"Oh, I suppose your roight..."
"What are you reading dood?"
Erb grabbed the books near him and shoved them under the table. I rolled my eye-stalk.
"Ow nothin! Did you wanna study for the exam or wha?"
I oozed onto a chair opposite him and plopped my books down.
"Well I thought we should study for Xener's test first, since he's managed to take out 3 people so far..."
While I had him distracted, I formed another eye-stalk and peeked under the table at the books he had.
"Poetry? We're one week away from certain tests and possible death and you're reading poetry?"
Erb's face had turned red as he ducked under the table and came face-to-eye with me. He grabbed his books and was about to set off in a huff when I chimed in with.
"Besides, how can you read that dreck? You should check out something by Burns or Browning or Frost."
Herbert cocked his head to the side.
"Ooooh now?"
That's how I lost a good two hours of would-be study time. Discussing poetry with Herbert. Sheesh. To top it all off, Xema came by.
"What are you doing with my boyfriend?"
Her voice was like, between a roar and whine. I don't know how Herbert could stand it.
"Oh we were just talking about poetry. Right Erb?"
But Herbert had on his "soulful" look. As a matter of fact, he was soulfully looking at me. He didn't seem to hear Xema.
Xema, for her part, glared down at the pile of books between us.
"All that stuff is for fags!"
She swept all the stuff off the table with her broad-sword, grabbed Herb with her other hand, brought the sword up as if to swing at me, thought better of it and stormed off.
* * * * *
Field trips suck.
OK, so we're like doing one of those visits to this temple with W3. It didn't even occur to me that Herb and I would spend any time together (and that would have been just fine by me, really) but during the, like, tour of the place something unexpected happened.
OK, in retrospect, I suppose I should have expected crap like that from Ms. Wicked Witch, I mean I guess she has people like Herb's dad slipping her a few shekels to help students erm…graduate, but personally I think with her it's, like, personal. Anyway, we're walking around the temple and W3 is cackling in her best evil voice with stuff like
"And this, are carvings showing what happened to miscreants like you! Eeeee-hehehehehe!"
Blah, blah, blah. I mean like, after the fourth time, we got the frickin picture! Anyways, she carrying on with "evil this" and "sacrifice that" when we come up to the big altar in the middle of the temple and there's like this big, deep, dark pit behind it. As we come up to it, Ms. Blather is still babbling on:
"And this, my pretties, is where victims were sacrificed!"
Then she glared at everybody and asked a question:
"Can anyone tell me how many people were sacrificed here? No? Well I'll tell you that there are about to be a lot more!"
And then this huge purple amoebic thing came out of the pit and started oozing towards us. The whole class was like "run for your lives!" and stuff.
"Uncle Astrothoth?"
"Yog?"
"Uncle!"
"How's my favorite niece? Nephew? Well, you're certainly filling out…and I like the phosphorous!"
I felt all shy like when your grandmother pinches your mitochondrion and says "ain't it cute!" I really appreciated that he noticed my highlights.
"You like em?"
"I think that…oops! Got a quota here, I'll catch you on the way back!"
I noticed that Ms. I-think-I'll-sacrifice-my-class was stomping over to us and Uncle A schlepped off towards a pocket of frightened students. As she's passing me she says "figures" under her breath.
I hate her.
So I'm trying to interest myself with some of the carvings on the walls and stuff, but it's hard to focus with all the screams and kids running around so I'm just kinda wandering. Every now and then I see Uncle A chasing or eating someone (I never liked them anyways) when I turn a corner and there's Herb and Xema.
OK, I know it's like, childish, but I was so tempted to like, call over Uncle A and get rid of them, but I'm still in my teens (like 13,000 years or so), so I figure I'm allowed. I feel so guilty about what happened next too.
Xema was like, trying to mutter some spell, and she kept trying to do the whole "thumbs up" flick thing while saying stuff like "et lumina!" and after the fifth try I said "don't you mean et flamma?" She glares at me but she says "et flamma" and her thumb gets this flame up and her face lights up. Just then Uncle A is turning a corner going "Muhahahaha!" and stuff and Xema like spits at him.
I mean that's really gross, but like this flame spouts from her mouth and seriously comes close to burning him, and he stops up and is like all "hey!" when Xema lets out this loud "wooohooo" kinda thing and starts chasing him.
So Herb is sitting there looking scared and staring after Xema when he turns to me and is all like
"Do ya think ell be urt?"
"What? Uncle Astrathoth?"
Herb looks all confused and says
"Whot, you know em?"
"He's my uncle."
"Your uncles es a giant slime?"
"Well duh!"
Herb looks at me for a second as if he just noticed that I'm a slime. Hello? I mean like puh-leaze!
"What does ee do when ees not eatin people then?"
"I think he's into stamps and stuff."
"Doisent ee have a woif?"
I rolled my eye-stalk. It's times like this where I wish I like, had another eyestalk on hand to roll too.
"Well, he's like, a slime so he'll never have a wife."
Herb went all emo for a second and then said
"Sounds lonely."
I was about to cut in with another snapping reply, but I sorta stopped to think about that one. In the distance I could hear screams, the occasional "ouch!" from uncle A, and every now and then a "Wooohooo!" from Xema.
"I suppose so."
We walked back over to the altar where W3 was standing with her arms crossed. She ignored us and muttered under her breath. We looked at some stone carvings. It was weird, ya know? I mean like I felt like Herb and I were actually communicating and stuff.
"Well, if one of us feels lonely we can, like, divide in two and talk to ourselves."
"Oh how handee."
"You guys can't?"
"Noi."
"Sounds lonely."
And we just stared at each other. His two watery eyes and my one blood-shot stalk. The flames in the background made his face glow, what with the flickers from people running around. And then he closed his eyes and tried to kiss me! Gross!
"Ow!"
"Oh, watch the slime man! That stuff will burn you!"
"Mph-burned-mph-mouth!"
Herb was holding his mouth with both hands and jumping up and down. I swear he was crying. And then Xema drove poor uncle Astrathoth back into the altar area and then into the pit.
Ole Ms. McSacrifice is turning another shade of green and glaring down the pit.
"You get out here and eat more students!"
"I'm not coming back out while she's there!"
"Get out here right now!"
"You can't make me!"
And Xema is practically frothing at the mouth and her eyes are all scary looking and she's like
"Yeah! Come on out and get some! Whiiiiimp!"
So just then the rest of the class comes shuffling back into the room and they're all like "Yay Xema! Our Heroine!" It must have been like the only time in her life that people were not running from her and screaming. The expression on her face was all, like, shock and stuff, but after a while she started smiling.
Then she notices Herb and me and she like stomp/stalks over to us and grabs one of his hands. She looks like she's about to start some more shit when W3 finally stops sulking.
"That was very...good of you Xema."
Before the class could start cheering again she's all like.
"But we have to be going now! Everyone line up outside!"
Why do we have to use that stupid giant broomstick anyhow?
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