The first time I saw her I knew I was in trouble.
She was tall about six feet, yet she moved with none of the awkwardness that I would have thought someone newly come into height would have had. Her body was firm and tanned, a fact which was hard to miss given that she had a habit of wearing a bikini to school. Her dark straight hair reached her shoulders and framed a face that filled the world with light when she smiled.
She wasn't smiling now.
"Get your hands off my man!"
All conversation ceased and an aisle of people formed between Xema, her rival, and her erstwhile boyfriend. Heather, a cute blonde girl with a dimpled smile, suddenly found herself the center of attention.
"But all I did was say hello!"
"You may have only been saying..."
With that Xema's eyes literally seemed to catch on fire as her gaze bore down on her prey. From her lips came fell in an echoing, otherworldly voice.
bcctr flrndebits crxor!
"Oh hello Heather ow've you..."
Xema's boyfriend, a short sickly lad named Herbert, turned around and frowned. As was his habit, he stared down his nose through a pair of small spectacles which caused him to raise his nose at whoever he was addressing. This mannerism gave the impression that he thought he was better than those around him; which, as a point of fact, he did.
Finally locating the smoldering black skeleton in front of him he remarked.
"You're looking rather thin this semester 'eather."
Before he could consider the matter further, Xema had strode forward and dragged him off with instructions that the she should avoid such "sluts" in the future.
With a cackling evil laugh, a stooped, elderly, green skinned lady appeared in a cloud of smoke. The headmistress, the Bad Witch of the North, had arrived.
"What's all this then? What's going on?"
She glared at the circle of shrinking students as if each one of them had been the cause of the recent disturbance.
"Ma'm"
A little blonde girl in a red hood and cloak timidly stepped forward and curtsied.
"Xema torched Heather because she thought she was flirting with her boyfriend."
The headmistress considered this for a second.
"First day and we've already lost one student. This is going to be a good year!"
With another flash and cloud of smoke the witch disappeared again.
* * * * *
The students of Demonology and Applied Sciences shuffled into the dark, tomb-like confines of the classroom. The instructor, a dark and mysterious man who went by the name of "Darth Sideous" (for some reason he eschewed the title of "professor"), sat in a large, throne-like chair on a dais in front of the students.
Even Xema was rather subdued in the presence of the silent and watchful teacher. Herbert settled into the desk next to her with only one muffled "ouch" when he hit his shin on a leg.
A bell rang somewhere and Sideous rose to his feet, speaking in a low but penetrating voice.
"The first thing you must know about demonology is the need to be exacting."
A rather pudgy youngster bustled into the room and attempted to get to his seat.
"You're late!"
The young man froze, his eyes swiveling to meet the dark robed teacher.
"Please sir! It was just a minute – it wont happen again!"
Darth Sideous regarded him from beneath the cowl of his robes.
"Well, you're right about one thing…"
Blue bolts of eldritch power flashed from the teachers hands like miniature lightning bolts to enfold the would-be truant. The child was lifted off the ground and thrown against a wall, which he remained stuck to, like some insect on an examining table.
"You shall pay for this lack of foresight!"
Darth Sideous was, by now, cackling with evil delight as his bolts of energy drew cries of pain from the unfortunate.
Just then, a flash of light appeared next to the throne that the dark professor had been sitting in. A smiling woman, looking like some prom queen in a white dress and bearing a wand with a star on it's end, materialized and smiled benignly at the class.
"Professor Sideous."
The dark instructor was too enthralled with what he was doing and kept zapping his student.
"Sideous!"
Darth Sideous turned about to glare at the new arrival. The boy he had been zapping fell from the wall and crumpled on the ground.
"Oh, Glenda…"
Glenda, the good witch of the West, beamed happily and made her announcement.
"Class, we have a new arrival: this is our new transfer student from Ray-yuck!"
The students in the demonology class glanced about uncertainly, but could not make out the new class member. Even Darth Sideous looked around, sneering slightly as he did so. Glenda's smile took on a forced quality as she turned and spoke to something in the shadows behind her.
"Oh don't be shy now. Class this is Cthulu-rck-yog-slothoth!"
A greenish puddle of slime shuffled out from behind Glenda, formed a single hairy eye-stalk and regarded the students. Even Darth Sideous seemed a bit taken aback.
"Headmistress, are you sure that…"
But Glenda cut him off, speaking rather loudly and quickly.
"Now I'm counting on all of you to make him.."
"Her!
"...feel welcome! I must be going, toodle-loo!"
With a white flash, the Good Witch disappeared. Darth Sideous considered the new student.
"You can take Pudley's desk."
The teacher pointed to desk recently vacated by the unfortunate late student. Yog-Slothoth bubbled in it's direction. The students along the route took their feet off the floor.
* * * * *
When my mom (or was it dad? I mean, when you're a slime, well, whatever) came in and announced that I had been accepted at Heartworms, I was really excited until I realized that I would be leaving all my friends and that all these other slimes (err...kids?) might not like me and stuff so I burst into tears and oozed out of the room.
Maybe I should start again.
I was really depressed when my...parent told me that I was going off to AU (even though the name of the place is Heartworms, I mean the place isn't really evil, like, you know, but the name is historic and stuff dating back a little bit, well it's a little bit to us since we've been around like, millions of years, ya know?). This was, cuz, stuff, like, you know. Things.
Sigh...
My first day at Heartworms went OK, though I was really nervous. For some weird reason I had arrived a few days late, for which I totally blame my mom! She kept oozing over me and saying stuff like "my little slime!" and then we would get all mixed up and it would take, like, half an hour to get all the pseudo pods and organelles sorted out...
Yeah, pseudo pods...slimes...I guess I should start there.
I'm this young example of a culture that started in a pool and went bravely onwards for 50 jillion years! OK, we're not 50 jillion years old, but we, the slimes, have been around for a long time. I mean I haven't been around all that time exactly, cuz you see, we slimes don't have moms and dads like you weirdo ventalors or vertibrators or whatever you call yourselves. We have always known what the right cytoplasm is and make sure we just stick with that.
Not that I hold that against you guys. Especially if you are reading this. And paid for it first. Cuz I need money for clothes since they keep dissolving on me.
Later on I found out that you usually don't get to see the head mistress as quickly as I did.
On the morning I oozed into her outer office, her secretary gave a little yelp and jumped up on her chair. Trying to put her at ease, I formed a mouth and smiled at her and said "hello." This was one of my earlier attempts so the mouth may have been a little off.
The secretary was glancing about like something in a trap when she looked at her desk and said "are you Cthulu-rck-yog-slogothothoth?"
I told her that it was pronounced "Cthulu-rck-yog-slothoth" and she seemed to calm down a little bit. She picked up a piece of paper and tried to write something but her hand kept shaking. Finally she just said something about "the head mistress will see you now!" and opened the door to the inner office.
It was weird. She didn't introduce me, she just opened the door and shooed me inside.
Glenda the Good, the Good Witch of the West, was much more at ease. She beamed nicely at me as if she had been expecting me and bade me take a seat. I did. It started dissolving. Glenda's smile seemed to lose a bit of warmth.
We talked for a little bit about Heartworms and how I would be in staying in some dorm named "The Plains of Woe." The chair collapsed.
I felt so bad! I mean first day and I'm already screwing up! But Glenda was more than gracious about it and said that it was no trouble at all. In fact she seemed to think that it was very important that I get to my first class right that moment. Rather than just walking she blinked us to the room.
I'll say one thing for you humans, some of you do have a knack for magic. When we appeared some old fart was blasting one of his students. Very good control of the arcane, I must say.
Then came the moment I was dreading.
I had hoped that I would have some time to dye my cytoplasm or put in some phosphorescent bits or something but she just threw me at the class. Gawd I was so embarrassed.
And I could tell that they all thought I was a total putz! When I waved and hastily threw together an eye-stalk they all drew back like "eeeeew! It didn't even wash it's cytoplasm!" Even the instructor drew back. I was so crushed. When the teacher told me to take a chair everyone was like "Get away from me you freak! That look is so 300,000 years ago!"
The only person who even tried to make me feel welcome was some chick wearing a bikini (is that normal? Personally I thought she looked cool) who kept staring at me. I wonder if maybe she could help me catch up with the homework for this place.
* * * * *
So, like, today we were supposed to dissect a pig in W3's class today. "W3" is shorthand for "Wicked Witch of the West" that this totally weird-ass teacher insists on calling herself.
She is, like, a complete freak! She's always wearing this dumpy, black dress with this weird, wide-brimmed hat and she wears like this totally vomit colored makeup on her face. She never answers a question without screeching and she's always babbling on about how she'll "get you and your little dog too!"
Incidentally, I am not vomit green I'm more of a festive lime. Just so you know.
To add to the whole weirdness, I was paired up with Herbert, Xema's boyfriend. Xema is also a total freak because she seemed to think that I was going to like take her boyfriend! I'm like "Hello! Wrong species here!" I mean we're not even like the same Kingdom, so where does she come off with her whole attitude?
Mind you, I see why she likes him: unlike most of the other boys Herbert is a nice pasty white, and he seems slimier than most of the other guys. Even so, it's still so, like, eeeeeew!
Herbert, on the other pseudo-pod, was fairly nice. I mean, if he was mean I would be happy just to get away from that hellfiend for five minutes. I mean I've known some fairly nice hell spawn in my time, especially those dudes from Yugoslavia or Yucatan or Yoggoth or something. I mean for fungus, they have total style.
Anyway, Herbert was totally deferring to my superior skill in lab matters. He kept saying things like "ah don't wanna touch that." and "Why donchu take care of this bit?" I also caught him staring at me which I totally understand since that day I had enough time to put some bits in the protoplasm. I think that may be why Xema is so jealous. She wishes she had my cilia.
The other students in the class are complete putzs. They were all like "shouldn't these things be dead?" and "aren't we gonna get blood on everything?" But W3 just kept doing this long, drawn-out screeching laugh whenever anyone complained. Except for these two freak kids who are like, brother and sister, but they totally like, insist on doing everything together!
When they spoke up, W3 took a hard look at them and then said they could clean out her cabinets instead. So Hamster and Grendal went up to the head of the class and got in the thing, which if you asked me looks pretty weird for a cabinet, what with all the dials and stuff on the top of it, and started working. Then W3 slams closed the door and let's rip with another total freak laugh.
Teacher's pets.
One nice thing about the whole situation was that, at the end of class, I got to eat all the pigs! I think that made Xema more jealous because right after the bell rings she comes storming up, grabs Herbert, who says "Nice to have met you Yaaaaoooog!" as she's dragging him off. I was right in the middle of eating a pig or I would have said something. I swear that girl is just jealous of me.
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