Evening Chapter 3

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The next few days I had wanted to talk to Herbert to explain that, like, we were different species and stuff and that I'm really not into bestiality - not that there's anything wrong with that ya know, but that it's just not my thing. But for one reason or another we didn't run into each other.

I spent time trying to figure out how to break it to him, but I'm like, not the expert on human psychology, ya know? I even tried talking to one of the teachers, at least the only one that seemed to actually care about any of the students, by visiting Glenda the Good's office.

I was in kinda a hurry, so rather than asking for an appointment and then waiting for a week, I oozed onto her secretary's desk and got one within a few minutes. Glenda seemed genuinely pleased to see me, or maybe it's just that I brought a plastic slip-cover for her chair.

"So what can I do for you Ms. Slothoth?"

"I have this...problem."

"Oh? What sort of problem?"

"There's this...boy in my class, like."

Glenda had this knowing look and conversation thing that seemed to go off track when she remembered who I was.

"A boy? And you? Did you eat someone dear?"

"No! No! Nothing like that!"

Glenda's face took on this sort of thoughtful look, not exactly the relieved one that you'd think she would have.

"He...he likes me...like ya know?"

"You...and some human boy?"

"Yeah."

"He...he er...likes you?"

"Yeah."

"Well fuck me."

I was so startled by that phrase that I looked around to see if someone else where there, but it was just me and Glenda, and Glenda had this totally shocked look on her face. She was being totally slow to respond but I just babbled on, sorta glad that I found someone who would at least listen to me.

"But I'm like, not into him, ya know? At least totally not that way, but I don't know how to let him know that it's not a mutual thing, right? So he doesn't get all upset and hang himself...or something."

Glenda was still just sorta sitting there with her tea cup half raised and staring at me. She didn't say anything.

"I was...like hoping that you...you know...being a human being and stuff...might be able to tell me?"

I guess I wasn't using the right body-language, but I tried to make my eye-stalk seem sincere, and I formed a great big, gaping mouth with lots of teeth and had it grin at her.

Glenda's eyes swiveled down and surveyed my new formation, then swiveled back to my eye-stalk. Her tea cup still hadn't moved.

"And you seem like the only teacher here that isn't actively trying to kill the students...ya know, not that Heartworms isn't a great school and everything..."

With a shudder, Glenda seemed to snap out of it and said "Oh my! Look at the time! My next appointment's due!"

"Ms. Good! I need your help with this!"

"I love these little chats we have, drop by next week some time why don't you?"

I was really desperate for advice so I did something that I knew was kinda mean.

"I guess the other parents will understand when their children not only survive Heartworms but end up shacked up with a nice slime like me!"

Glenda froze where she was, in the act of reaching for her magic wand, probably in preparation to "poof" me out of her office. Her eyes started swiveling again and she said "What?"

"I can just imagine how happy Herbert's dad will be when he realizes that yes, Herb is going to make it and that he'll have me to look forward to as a son in law...daughter...whatever."

Glenda sat down in the big chair behind her desk with a muffled "thump" and looked at me. She tried really hard to shift to her usual, smiling manner. The effect was rather unsettling.

"Have you tried pointing out that you two are different species? That...that your people don't even really have...you know ah...erm..."

I wondered which of the two of us even had more sex given how much trouble the word was giving her. Rather than dragging this on any longer I came to her rescue.

"No I haven't pointed this out. The reason why I came to use is to figure out how I can point this out without him dying or Xema disemboweling me."

Glenda's smile became brighter and it looked like she was going to jump in with some anatomical detail.

"You know what I mean."

Her smile faded.

"Well, ah, you could try getting him to uh, notice one of your friends."

"You mean the ones that are still alive?"

"Yes, well, Heartworms has always maintained very high standards."

She shuffled things around on her desk for a bit and then brought her fist down in a very lady-like pounding motion.

"You'll just have to tell him that it's not to be!"

"But what if he..."

"No! No! You must be very firm and assertive, but respectful! Just tell him flat out no!"

I was trying to think this through when she raised her magic wand.

"Yes, that's the only way. Now you really must let me get to my next appointment. Give that a try and let me know how everything works out."

There was a "poof" and I found myself in the corridor outside her office. I noticed that her secretary had locked the door and stuck stuff along the bottom so I couldn't ooze through. I slithered off despondently.

* * * * *

"Herb, I don't love you."

"S'all roight."

"But I don't, k? I mean I don't love you at all."

"So?"

"Well...OK, so you got a point there...What I'm trying to say is get lost."

"Ah, now we're een familiar territory."

This had been the first chance I had to talk to Herbert since the day he had, like burned his lips on me at the temple. We were hiding under a desk because one of W3's lab animals, a big-ass plant this time, had decided to try and eat a few students. Xema had sprang to the defense of the students.

"Have at you, foul plant!"

"Rawr!"

In the weeks since the run-in with my uncle at the temple, she had become a kind of class hero, saving students at every turn. What was strange was that the teachers seemed like they were really disappointed with her. Odd, but it provided the opportunity to talk to Herb.

"So, you're OK with that?"

"Don't bother me."

"Cool."

"We can just be, wassname, funk-burgers?"

"What?"

"You know, just wha, keep it strictly physical?"

"Oh...my...gawd."

Meanwhile Xema had gone on the offensive.

"Take that! And that! And that!"

"My venus flytrap! Nuuuuuu!"

The last bit had come from Ms. McWicked-pants herself. Along with everyone else, Herb and I looked over the tops of the tables to see what had happened.

W3 was kneeling next to her plant, tenderly holding one of its leaves as she bawled like some twit from a Harlaslime romance novel. It looked like Ms. Class Amazon had, like, cut the thing in two.

Xema was standing their in this incredibly egotistical pose, sword in hand, enjoying the adulation of her tools...I mean those lameoids that she had saved.

"Our hero!"

"Yay Xema!"

"I take back most of what I said about you!"

They were actually tossing her up and down in the air; difficult since she had taken to wearing rather revealing armor these days and personally I think she probably weighed a lot even if she was muscular...the tart.

At any rate, between all the other shocks for the day, I felt something weird. Looking down I noticed that there was a gloved hand touching me. Well, it was more like...fondling. I followed the hand to Herb's arm.

"Ah figured out how ah can avoid those nasty burns."

Of all the smiles I've seen, his was the...creepiest. And this includes the one that uncle Shrug-Ziggarat, he-goat with a thousand, nay millions of young, evil that does not wait, blaster of worlds (you get the picture), gave me on my 34512817th birthday.

And I thought I had problems before.

* * * * *

I guess Glenda had left instructions about me, because the secretary made me wait this time. She seemed all nervous about something and kept glancing up at me. I tried to put her at ease by forming a mouth, I'm getting better at it I swear, but that just seemed to make things worse. She actually got up and left - I mean that's totally rude - but at least that way I could get into Glenda's office.

I figured that if I didn't knock then she couldn't tell me to go away, so I slimed under the door.

Glenda was at her desk doing her palms (humans are weird) because she had her face in her hands, but I know she's never down so it must have been that. Anyhow, I cleared my throat (well, made a gurgling noise) and she looked up at me.

"Oh Yog, it's you."

"Sorry to burst in on you like this, but, well, Herb is getting out of control."

She considered this really seriously, cuz, like, I've never seen her with such a, like, serious face.

"You could kill him."

"Isn't that, like, a bit extreme?"

"Not for Heartworms."

I thought about this for a bit.

"Couldn't you talk to him?"

"If you're just going to kill him anyways, what's the point?"

"I didn't say I was going to kill him!"

I thought I heard her curse under her breath, but I guess that was just my imagination.

"Also Xema is kinda, like, scaring me."

At this Glenda looked hopeful.

"You're going to kill her too?"

"What?"

Glenda signed and leaned back. Her secretary chose that moment to burst in.

"Ms. Headmistress, it looks like Yog ARGH!"

Glenda's secretary dropped some papers and left (ran actually). I helpfully tried to, like, help Glenda pick them up. One of them caught my eye (stalk).

"If we don't do something we'll have the largest graduating class in the history of Heartworms."

I pointed this out to Glenda. It didn't seem to help.

"What exactly did he do to upset you?"

"He...touched me."

"I thought that would make his skin dissolve."

"He had gloves."

"Didn't they dissolve?"

"Not quickly enough."

Glenda sighed and seemed to lapse into thought. Then she had a flash of insight.

"Xema is very jealous and protective!"

"Yeah that's the problem."

"AND she's a sociopath, textbook case!"

"If you say so."

Glenda seemed to be thinking hard and muttering to herself.

"It wouldn't really matter which one died...at least that way we wouldn't make history..."

She looked up as if she had just remembered that I was there and gave me this, like, Herb-ish grin.

"Well, can't bore you to death with my musings! Off you go!"

"But we only just started talking!"

"No, no. I won't take up any more of your time!"

She tried to "poof" me out of her office, but I had been practicing counter-spells.

"You're making very good progress!"

"Yeah, self-preservation."

But Glenda had "poofed" herself out this time.

"Damn."

* * * * *

So, like, I guess I've become paranoid.

I've been avoiding Herb as much as I can, since every time I see him he's leering and wearing gloves. Whenever I see Xema her eyes narrow and her nostrils dilate and her teeth grind. The teachers seem like their in a better mood, but I can't shake the feeling that they are plotting behind my...whatever.

Today it seemed like things kicked into high gear when I was slithering from one class to another and a grand piano crashed into the quad a few feet from where I was. I know I'm a student and therefore supposed to be stupid but even I know that if you try to drop a piano on somebody, you don't attach a card to it saying "Hey! I just tried to kill you!"

Besides, Xema wouldn't drop a piano on somebody, she'd just scream and attack with her sword.

Cuz she, like, did that before.

Anyways, later on the remaining students were unusually quiet around me. Then Xema comes stomping up and asks me to explain a picture. A frikkin picture for crying out loud! I mean this is a new low for her.

So I take a look at it and there's this pic of me and Herb doing something that's highly unlikely from a health and anatomical standpoint. I look at her like "duh!" and her face is turning red, her nostrils are dilating and I can tell she's upset.

Then it dawns on me that she might not know about the "facts of life" or whatever you manners or mammers or whatever call them. So I settle in to explain things.

"You see, sometimes there's a male bee and a female bee and they like each other a lot and..."

"You're trying to steal my man!"

"Don't be, like, stupid. I'd never try to take Herb from you."

"Then how do you explain this picture? I've even seen the preliminary drawings!"

"What, do you think we posed for it or something?"

That seemed to give her pause, but she came back with her ultimatum. I guess she had been practicing it and didn't want some detail like the facts getting in the way.

"Alright, that's it! Tonight at midnight, we duel! NO MORE LIES!"

And she stomped off.

So I figure that someone is trying to set me up. Or her up. Or us up. Or just up in general.

I looked around at the kids who had been just hanging out.

"Any of you guys know what's going on?"

Some twerp with the tattoo of lightning bolt on his forehead raised his hand. I nodded at him. Or I would have, if I had a head.

"I think Xema wants to kill you."

"You know, maybe Heartworms has the right idea."

I oozed off to my room to get ready for the duel.

Later that night, I was in this weird area that Xema wanted to duel. It was this rocky path behind the main campus with, like, this sheer drop-off on one side. The trail wound its way down to a valley.

I stood on the end of the path that was more towards the valley while Xema, as I should have known, stood on the part that was higher up.

"It's not too late to talk this out."

"Dieeeee!"

Xema came at me swinging. I wondered whether I should just stand there and take the sword hit, seeing as it wouldn't do squat. Instead, I oozed out of the way at the last moment, and she slipped on the slime trail.

"Argh!"

"Oooh now, this is a disappointment like."

The last bit of dialog had been uttered by none other than Herbert who had just come out from behind a rock. Xema brightened a bit.

"At last! You have come to save me in the nick of time and swear true luuuuuv to me!"

Herbert held up a scrap of paper.

"Actually now, I got this note from Yog"

"Aaaah! I will kill you both!"

"That says we were gonna ave us a bit of fun in the moonlight-like."

I noticed the gloves he wore. For the first time that night I was really afraid.

"But I didn't write you any note."

A blast of flame came between us. I scurried back a bit.

"HA! I have discovered your weakness!"

Xema's thumb was smoking a bit. Unfortunately, it looked like she had been practicing her fire spells.

"Well, are you going to help me defeat Xema then?"

"Nah, given the situation, ah thought ah'd see who wins and then root for er."

Herb may be a total twit, but he's not stupid.

Xema tried to blast me again but I like, jumped away, turning into a ball instead of my usual, spread out self. I hate doing this because it totally looks like I'm a snot-ball, but drastic measures for drastic times.

"Ere now! You look like a snot-ball!"

He should talk, I mean with like, a finger totally up his nose.

I signed, resigning myself to the fact that I was going to have to take Xema out. I won't go all emo, but I don't normally like to do that sort of thing. What's worse, I'd still have to deal with Herb. Maybe I could claim that he got in the field of fire, ya know?

I landed and Xema totally gasped. For a second I thought she was, like, showing proper acknowledgment to my gymnastic skills, but she pointed too, so I guess she saw something else. Since that's like, the oldest trick in the book, I created a quick eye-stalk to check it out while still checking her out, course I don't mean it that way, I mean I guess she's OK for a hu-nan or hemon or whatever you guys call yourselves, but now I've lost my train of thought.

Oh yeah! Xema was trying to kill me! Anyhow, I see like this big, nasty dragon with my other eye-stalk so I figure this one is probably not one of Xema's. I was closest to it and it was doing one of those deep breathing kind of things, so I figured I should get moving. I jumped again and still got a little singed by the flames from the nasty reptile. Well not singed so much as a bit of the slime evaporated, cuz there's like, nothing to really burn on me unless...well that's another story.

I landed near Xema and Herb who was like, clutching Xema with that look of terror that I had come to know and like...know?

"I guess the teachers wanted extra insurance in case we didn't kill each other..."

Xema and Herb looked at me.

"Why would they want any of us dead?"

"Well, I guess there's a real shortage of graduation gowns or something."

The dragon was getting ready to do the flame thing again and the situation was not looking good. The dragon, however, looked pretty happy and was even like, wagging his tail. That gave me an idea and I started doing the mumbo-jumbo thing.

"I hope that's a fire shield!"

Xema yelled as the spell reached its climax. With a hollow "poof" a giant bone appeared before the dragon and started swaying in the air. The dragon immediately lost interest in us and started flapping around, trying to snap up the bone.

"Ere now! He looks loik a big dawg the way ee's playing around."

I looked smug, though I guess you hurm-ans aren't good at reading body-language, when it applies to a slime.

"I figured they had to have given him some training in order to keep him in line."

To the dragon I yelled "Fetch!"

And then I threw the bone off into the distance. The dragon, tail wagging furiously, flew after the thing.

"You saved me!"

"Ere now, she saved me!"

I was now ground zero for the attentions of both Xema and Herb. Unfortunately, both wore gloves so they were able to pick up a bit of me in what I guess is an er...affectionate manner.

"Actually I was trying to save me."

"My-noir point."

"Yeah, you obviously luuuuv me!"

"She luuuuvs me more!"

Now both Xema and Herb were tugging on the bits of slime that they both held. I guess this was better than having Xema try to kill me, but not by much.

"Hey guys, leggo! Don't muss the slime!"

But the two of them kept, like, shouting about how I loved one or the other of them more and stuff. As they shouted at each other they pulled harder until finally I split in two.

"What's all this then?"

Herb held half of me. I was feeling really disoriented what with the whole being in two places at once thing.

"Huh?"

The bit that Xema held was staring at her. I tell you, having two eye-stalks and you'd think that the view from one of them would be OK, but instead I get Xema in one and Herb in the other. Maybe I should switch to echo-location and ditch the eye-stalks entirely.

Xema and Herb looked at each other, then stared at the slimelings they each held.

"Works for me."

"Ah theeenk is fine too."

So that's how I started in with the whole "open relationship" sort of situation. I've herd that these things don't always work out with you who-nurns, but most of the time there's only one person to share. So I figure there's a better than even chance it'll work out.

As it turned out, I had tossed the bone towards one of the dorms and the dragon was rather upset about the illusion disappearing. Hence the student population was decreased by rather a lot, so the teachers were mollified even if the three of us were in the graduating class.

If this is any indication of what things are like at Heartworms, I can't wait for next year.

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