Chapter 2
At the Division for Strange Circumstances, the newly minted Planetary Defense department responsible for employing Mike Smith and his compatriots Tom, Alice and Rex (one of the raptor-like lizardmen who called themselves the Leet), Mike had found himself, once again, confronted with a possessed cat.
The cat’s erstwhile owner, a cantankerous old coot, was going on about how the animal had been shanghaied by a Puppeteer – one of the race of mind controlling amoeboid creatures who alternately helped or hindered the human race.
“So this blob...” the man continued
“Please, they’re called Puppeteers,” interrupted Mike wearily. Mike was one of “The Guided,” a human that chose to host a Puppeteer for the various advantages that they offered, like better health.
Happy now? Mike sent an angry query to his “Guide.” The Puppeteers could communicate with their hosts via direct neural input.
Say it now and say it loud: I’m a blob and I’m proud! his Puppeteer retorted. Sometimes it was sensitive about being called “a blob...” despite the appearance.
“You’re not one of those card-carrying blob sympathizers are you?”
“I’m one of the Guided, yes. Is that a problem? Would you like to talk to someone else?” Mike looked hopefully.
The man stared at Mike for a beat then said “Nah, that’s fine.”
Mike sagged.
“Like I was saying, this blob comes muscling in and takes over my cat!”
“W3ak!” interjected Rex. He had his feet on the table. To give him credit, he hadn’t scratched up the furniture, too much.
“And that...that lizard! What’s he doing here?” The man pointed at Rex.
“Special agent Rex is, erm, on loan to us as part of the, ah, Raptor exchange program.” Mike gave the man a crafty look. “He’s safe...ish.”
“Ha! I have a solution for that!” The man tossed Rex a bag of chicken nuggets. For no reason that Mike understood, the Leet loved the deep fried greasy goodies.
“Sw33t!” The Leet also talked strangely. Rex started in on the bag.
“So how do I know that this thing won’t try to take control of me?!”
“As I recall from our last conversation, this particular Puppeteer is fond of being lazy. You’re probably too active.”
Tom, the only actual agent in the group, came in with a beautiful blonde girl in tow. Alice put down her want-ads and looked at her. The girl seemed very nervous.
“This is Ms. Elizabeth Grant. Ms. Grant says she was assaulted by giant spiders last night.”
“c00l!” Rex said between mouthfuls.
Ms. Grant jerked her head around and stared at Rex, who returned her look.
“So Ms. Grant, tell us what happened.” Tom settled in with his “coy” look. Ever since he had gotten a Puppeteer, Tom was convinced that he was now God’s gift to women...despite all evidence to the contrary.
“Well, I was walking through the park when...when they came out of the bushes and ate those men!”
“And what did your assailants look like?”
“They were giant...spiders!” The woman had a hand up to her mouth.
“Now take it easy, they can’t get to you here.” Tom had come around the desk and was trying to give her a hug.
Ms. Grant pointed at the door. “What about that one there?!”
Sure enough, squatting in the doorway, was a large, hairy arachnid.
* * *
“What the hell are you?” Mike burst out.
“3ee3K!” screeched Rex, leaping on his desk.
The giant spider advanced into the room. Behind him, Mike could see several others.
“Hiya, howareya, really nicetaseeya!” the spider said as it advanced. “I am Mr. La-Gee, first Spydhar ambassador to the planet Earth!”
The spider held out a forelimb and shook Mike’s hand.
“An ambassador? From where?”
“Well the name is kinda hard to pronounce in hu-name-speak...”
“You don’t have mandibles!” put in one of the other spiders that had moved into the room and were examining Tom.
“...right! No mandibles! But you can just call it the Spydhar deeeemension.”
“The spider dimension?” Mike repeated.
“No! You got to pronounce the HAR part of it. You know, har, har!”
Is this even possible?
Afraid so.
“So you are invading this dimension?”
“No! No! We’re just dropping in for a visit!”
“Thas right!” said the last of the Spydhars, gesturing vaguely as he scuttled into the room. Coming up to Rex’s desk he eyed the lizard appraisingly. “Is this your pet?”
“No, that’s, um, special agent Rex...”
“de133t!”
“...right, Rex deLeet.”
The Spydhars looked at Mike curiously.
“He’s a sort of exchange student kind of guy.”
“He’s from another dimension or I’m a fly!”
“Yes, that’s true, he’s from an adjacent dimension.”
One of the Spydhars nudged the leader. “Do you think they have dining privileges?”
“Actually they seem rather fond of chicken nuggets.”
“Oh those! Blech! No juice in ‘em at all!”
Regaining his footing a bit Mike spoke sternly.
“Ms. Grant here says that a group of you attacked her last night.”
“No way! We were helping out a damsel in distress!”
“Totally! We responded to a desperate situation!” put in another one of the Spydhars.
“And then Ms. Grant says you ate several people.”
The Spydhars were silent for a few seconds. One of them burped.
“OK, we did do that, but it was only in self-defense!”
“And because we were kinda peckish...”
The other two Spydhars ‘shushed’ the blabber-mandibles.
“I’m afraid we can’t have you going around eating people, regardless of their legal status!”
“Well, that sucks...could we minch a few before we hit the road?”
“No!”
The Spydhars looked downcast. One of them nudged Mr. La-Gee and mumbled something to him. All Mike could make out was the phrase “blood bank.”
“Yeah, my associate...”
“Jumper!”
“... Mr. Jumper has pointed out that we have a very severe blood shortage in our dimension. And, by some miracle, your blood is compatible with ours, so if you could steer your way to springing loose a couple of vats of A+...”
“Not A+, that stuff has no bouquet at all!”
“...or perhaps some O+...”
“Oh yeah, that’s good stuff. See if you can get some O-, I know it’s rare, but very tasty!”
“...it would go a long way towards establishing good diplomatic relations between our two peoples.”
Jumper nudged LaGee again. “Oh! If you guys are having trouble with cadavers piling up, then we can help you out with that problem as well.”
“Let me see if I’ve got this straight --- you guys are here because you want to eat human beings?!”
“Not raw! Not raw!” Jumper nudged him again. “Well, actually, we would prefer them raw.”
“Couldn’t you just eat cows and other farm animals instead of human beings?”
“Awww c’mon, those things taste terrible!”
“Yeah, what do you take us for, some low-class diners or something? Sheesh!”
“No, I’m afraid that running around eating humans is just going to be unacceptable.”
“Well, we’ll do what we can, but we can’t be held responsible for the more extreme of our people.”
“Before we head out, what flavor, erm, blood type are you?”
“What?!”
“Oh, never mind.”
The Spydhars glowed in rainbow and then vanished with a flash.
“It seems like they are more adept at dimensional travel than the Leet or the Puppeteers.” Tom observed. “How can we defend ourselves against creatures that can just pop in, grab someone, and then pop out again?”
Chapter 1 Chapter 3
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