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"You need a running mate." Ixalyte explains to GC.
"But I never needed anyone else before..." the Elder God complains.
"But Trump and Hillary have them." Ixalyte says.
"I could have DOLT be my running mate..." the Great Evil musses.
"No, we need someone who people already know."
"We could try Astroth." GC supplies.
"No, he's already taken." Ixalyte says.
"Well I guess there's always..."
* * *
"No, and I mean no!" Ralph Nader shouts. "I will NOT run as Vice President!"
"What about as the President of Vice?" GC tries.
Mr. Nader seems to consider this, "No." He hangs up. For a while he stares off into space, muttering "President of Vice" to himself.
"Just let me and a few of the night-gaunts work on him, he'll sing a different tune." Ixalyte is already half way out the door.
"No, it's his decision." GC says.
"Then do you mind if me and a few night-gaunts work him over anyway, I mean the way he rang off was just rude..." Ixalyte tries.
GC considers this for a moment then shakes his head. "No, DOLT wouldn't like it."
Ixalyte looks disappointed.
"On the other hand, give him a rash." GC says thoughtfully, "I mean he didn't have to be so rude."
Ixalyte brightens up.
* * *
Ixalyte rushes into the room and hits the breakfast table, in the process causing GC's coffee to slop over GC's soft-boiled eggs on GC's lightly browned whole grain toast with margarine.
"I have the latest poll numbers," Ixalyte says, dropping a clay tablet onto the table and smashing the plastic centerpiece.
"What do they say?" GC asks wearily.
"That we're ahead by 6. 66%!"
"Outstanding," GC says trying to dry off his toast.
"What are our demographics like?" DOLT asks.
"We do really well with witches, warlocks and cultists." Ixalyte pauses for a second "Who knew that they were an underserved demographic?" Then he continues, "With normal people we do OK with the 30-40 crowd but really well with the 60+..." Ixalyte tries to leap exultantly, but this only serves to knock over the table.
GC had just managed to rescue a triangle of toast, on which he was trying to spread the hotel's noxious raspberry jelly, when this happens. He glares at Ixalyte who is oblivious.
"What about the under-30 crowd?" DOLT asks.
"They're evenly split between Astrothoth and Shub-Niggarath." Ixalyte explains. "Apparently, a video of G-C visiting a hospital made it to the internet."
"It was just one visit!" GC's tentacles writhe angrily.
"Well, it really hurt your 'Is he evil ENOUGH?'" ratings, mumbles Ixalyte, as he slimes ashamedly away.
Sam the shoggoth bustles in, if oozing rapidly qualified as 'bustling'.
"Hi, guys!" The shoggoth burbles enthusiastically through a vocal-extrusion.
GC hastily tugs his dressing gown out of Sam's path.
Only DOLT doesn't seem put out. "Hi, Sam! Ixalyte was just going over the latest polls."
Sam tries to pick up the fallen dishes, but they dissolve in his pseudopods. "Sorry" (he would have said shamefacedly if he had a face).
"I'll just go get a paper to check on this!" GC exclaims as he surges to his (uh, feet?).
"I'll go with ya!" Sam says, like a dog offered an unexpected walk.
"NothatsOK," the elder god says hastily, avoiding Sam's outthrust pseudopod and shambling hurriedly out of the room.
* * *
GC walks down the street, muttering to himself. A dog-walker crosses the street to avoid him. GC glances behind him to see what the fuss was about, but sees nothing. He collapses into a blubbering heap on the sidewalk.
"What's wrong, big guy?" comes DOLT's voice from GC's wrist-communicator.
"I...I can't do anything right!!" GC sobs, leaking great green tears on the pavement, where they smoldered.
"Don't beat yourself up over this. After all, we still have each other." DOLT says.
"I...I don't know what I'd do without you." GC gets to his feet-analogs and starts back.
"Probably rip the heads off your voters," DOLT snarks.
"Ahh, those were the days," GC says wistfully.
* * *
GC busts back into the meeting room with Ixalyte, Sam, and of course DOLT's ethereal presence.
"So where are we at?"
Sam jumps up and down (or at least his best guess) with excitement. Ixalyte just rolls his eyes.
"The demographics think your're evil, but are you evil enough?" Ixaylte supplies.
"Of course I'm evil enough!" Cthullu exclaims. "What do I have to do, eat a town?"
"That would be a good start, but it seems too much like what Astrothoth or Shub-Niggarath would do." Ixalyte shuffles some papers.
"I assume you have a suggestion?"
Sam exudes an ear to listen.
"Well...I have this idea..." Ixaytle starts...
* * *
"You're sure this will work?" GC looks at the phone.
"This is pure evil!" Ixalyte practically jumps up and down with excitement.
Sighing, Great GC dials a number and waits. "I'm sorry to bother you..."
Ixalyte shakes his head, or would if he had had a head. As it is he just moves from side to side.
"Have you considered using Sprint as your long-distance carrier?" GC continues.
"Yes, I know what time it is." GC looks over at Ixalyte, rolling his eyes and shrugging his tentacles.
"You already use Sprint? Oh, sorry to have bothered you." GC hangs up and looks admiringly at Ixalyte.
"Calling at 3am is evil but calling the current customers at 3am is pure evil!"
* * *
"Nom! Nom! Nom!" Azathoth, in planet form, is in the middle of eating Smallville (population 1,000 and dropping quickly) when Donald finds him.
"While you've been eating this podunk burg, do you know what Great Cha-Chew did?" Mr. Trump demands.
The demon Sultan pauses in mid-nosh. "What?" he asks.
"He called Sprint customers at 3am to ask them to switch to Sprint!!" Trump says.
"Omigoshgolly! Why didn't I think of that?!" He regards Trump for a few seconds "Let me guess. I'm fired, right?" Trump looks like someone whose line has been stolen.
* * *
"We need to get rid of this Dolt guy Cthulhu's got." Trump says at a meeting with Harry and Astrrothoth. Astrothoth, in humanoid form, turns his eyeball head to Trump.
"Why do we need to get rid of him?" asks Harry. Astrothoth turns his eyeball to Harry.
"Because he's too good with computers." Astrothoth turns to Trump.
"But this Dolt guy is a computer program, how do we get rid of him?" Astrothoth turns to Harry. "Would you please stop that?!" Harry turns to Astrothoth.
"Sorry" Astrothoth says in a deep voice and stares into the distance.
"That's what you and Astrothoth are going to figure out, or..." Trump pauses dramatically.
"We're fired?" The campaign manager finishes. Trump frowns.
"You already fired me today." Astrothoth sounds hurt, stopping his staring into the distance.
"Alright, then if you don't do this ... you're hired!" Trump frowns.
"So if we fail then we're hired?" Astrothoth sounds confused. Even Harry looks uncertain.
"Stop...confusing me!" Trump says, turning red.
"You haven't fired me today, so how could you hire me again?" Harry is adrift now, clearly out of his reckoning.
"You're both fired!" Trump looks triumphant.
"But..." Astrothoth starts.
"No 'buts,' you're both fired!"
Harry and Astrothoth got up to leave.
"Hey! Where are you two going?!" Trump asks with his arms crossed.
"You just said..." Astrothoth starts and looks to Harry for help. Harry shrugs.
"This guy..." Harry starts.
"Dolt" Trump supplies.
"What? He's stupid?" The campaign manager asks.
"No that's his name, Dolt." Trump tells him.
"He's really good with computers?" Harry tries.
"We think he's an AI." Trump says.
"I thought you said his name was..." Astrothoth says.
"Shut up!" Trump snaps. After some more thought he adds "You're fired."
Astrothoth gets up to leave.
"Siddown!" Trump snaps.
Astrothoth drifts back into his chair. "Couldn't I just eat him?"
"He doesn't have a physical body." Trump explains. He thinks some more. "Beside the electorate looks poorly on such behavior."
"But..." Astrothoth starts.
"Couldn't we have him calculate PI or something?" Harry seems to be thinking.
"When *I'm* made president I'll legislate it to three!" Trump says proudly.
"But in the mean time..."
Trump appears to be thinking. "We could do that, all we need is for someone to sneak in and introduce the program."
Both men turn to Astrothoth. "But what if I'm caught?" the Elder God sounds uncertain, darting his eyeball head around.
Trump smirks. "*I'll* be fine."
"But what about me?" Astrothoth wails.
"I told you, I should..." Trump stops talking suddenly and looks accusingly at Harry.
"I think Astrothoth is worried about the consequences to himself!" Harry says.
"Oh right." Trump says as if he had just worked something out. "Well, you keep insisting you are the Demon Sultan, how tough can a lock-up be?"
"Good point!" Astrothoth stops darting his eyeball about.
* * *
Astrothoth, dressed in black knit, arrives at GC's election office.
Astrothoth has a grapple and a rope over his shoulder. He twirls the grapple a few times and then throws it to the roof.
Astrothoth starts to climb the wall, but falls to the ground when the grapple comes loose. Astrothoth gets up and dusts himself off. The door opens and Ixalyte comes out.
"Oh! Astrothoth! What are you doing here?" The cone shaped member of the Great Race asks.
"Just...visiting." Says Astrothoth .
Ixalyte shuffles about about then says "Do you want to come in?"
Astrothoth considers this then says "Sure"
Ixalyte opens the door. "Right this way!"
Astrothoth goes in.
* * *
At a conference room table are GC and Sam. Ixalyte comes in with Astrothoth in tow.
"Look who I brought!" Ixalyte exclaims.
GC exclaims "A! How you be, dawg?"
Astrothoth seems kind of shy but says "I'm doing. How are things going on your end?"
"Great!" GC gets to his feet and comes over to Astrothoth. They exchange a fist bump.
"So what are you doing here?" GC asks.
"Just in the neighborhood..."
"Whaddaya say to a drink?" GC opens a nearby fridge and takes out a few sacrificial victims.
"That sounds good but...but I have to use the bathroom!" Astrothoth looks pleased with himself.
"Through the door and take a left." GC says.
"Thanks!" Astrothoth says as he leaves the room.
Astrothoth enters the hallway, looks both ways then scurries off. He comes to a room with some computers and stops. He plugs in a USB drive. He presses a few keys then retrieves the USB drive and then heads back to the conference room.
Astrothoth comes back into the conference room and says "Sorry, have to go!"
"But..." GC holds up a sacrifice.
"Sorry!" Astrothoth says and ducks out of the room. He exits the building and gets into a nearby car (a Yugo). With the tires squealing, he drives off.
Back in the conference room GC puts away the victim and says "Did that strike anyone else as strange?"
Ixalyte shrugs.
"What about you?" GC asks DOLT.
"3.1415.." Dolt rattles off more numbers.
"DOLT, honey, speak to me!!" GC says desperately.
"8462..." DOLT drones on.
"It was Astrothoth! To the computer room!" GC shouts.
The three of them careen into the computer room.
"Get this, Ixalyte, I'm all tentacles with these." GC says.
Ixalyte positions itself in front of a machine and starts typing.
"Well? How is he?" GC asks anxiously.
"I haven't gotten past 'DIR'" says the cone shaped entity impatiently.
A few minutes pass.
"Well?!" GC tries again.
"I can't type with you watching me!" Ixalyte says.
"Sorry" GC puts his claws over his face, but peeks through a few talons.
"I know you're peeking! You too, Sam!" Ixalyte wails. Sure enough, Sam has deployed a pseudopod with an eye looking at the screen. It darts back.
After a while Ixalyte said "It doesn't look good..."
"Oh Nuuuuu," GC wails.
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