Schrodinger's Test

"I dunno, Quark: how're we gonna get me outta this mess!?!"

When Charles came into his room he saw his "roommate" reading "dirty" magazines with names like "Furry," 'Tail" and "Pussy." His "roommate" was a cat.

Quark sighed and put down his magazine. "What's the matter now?"

"I got an F on one of my finals."

Charles flourished the paper which had a note that read "Goodbye stipend."

"Well, can't you just take the test again?"

"No! That's why they call them finals."

"Then I guess you're out of luck."

"Wait a minute! Between the time you hand in a test and the time it receives a grade it exists in a state of uncertainty."


"All we have to do is..."

The cat breathed in, "Here it comes..."

"Is redo the whole Schrodinger's Cat experiment!"

(The Schrodinger's cat experiment had been how Charles had ended up with a cat for a roommate) "I'm NOT going to do that experiment again just so you can pass your exam!"

"Wait, this could be the start of a whole new industry! 'Fail your test? No problem! We'll get you an A!'"

"We could make a bundle!" Quark giggled catching Charles's enthusiasm.

"Waittaminute what do you need money for?"

"Mind your own business!"

"OK, so we can't use you...what can we use?"

The two of them looked at the test.

"We'll call it Schrodinger's Test!" Charles said triumphantly.

# # #

The two of them were decked out in white lab coats. Quark had a clipboard (Charles had asked Quark where he got the lab coat and clipboard, but Quark had merely showed his claws and the matter had been dropped).

"Why do we have to wait for a thunderstorm?"

"It's part of the ambiance."

"But we don't need electricity for this experiment!"

"So, what you're trying to say is that I'm mad?"

"Well, sort of..."

"They called me mad, but I'll show them! And by the way call me Master!"

"Now wait a minute..."

"Too late, we need to hoist the experiment into the storm!"

Not for the last time, Charles wondered how Quark managed without thumbs. But before he could ask...

==> ZAP <==

"Now we lower it and see if it was a success..."

Charles and Quark hauled on the chains and the experimental chamber was lowered. Charles opened the old shoe box that served as an experiment chamber (the test was inside). The box was empty.

Charles whirled to Quark and said "It's alive, do you hear me Igor allliiive."

"My name is Quark, buddy boy."

# # #

Outside in the rain the test struggled to stand up. It could know either the course or the grade but not both.

It had become uncertain.

The test started lurching toward the Student Union.

It came up to an entrance and pushed its way inside.

A co-ed saw it and screeched and flung herself on her date who said.  "Don't worry it's just another test."

The woman wailed, "Not another round of finals."

Now it was the guy's turn to scream.

# # #

That afternoon found Charles in his professor's office.

"I'm here about my grade."

"You mean the F?"

"It's not an F." Charles smiled all the time now, it was unnerving

Charles slapped the test on the desk. Each time his teacher looked at it, it had a different grade. When it got to an A Charles slammed his palm on the paper, as if holding it.

The professor gritted his teeth and then said "Fine! You get an A in basket weaving!"

Charles left, he was still grinning.

# # #

"Look, you may not _be_ this intelligent guy but how can we get Charles back to normal..."

Quark was talking to Joel, Charles's lab partner. So far all he had gotten were some raised eyebrows.

"...-ish" finished Quark lamely.

"Well as a start, I would get him another roommate."

"That's out try again." Quark said as if he expected this.

"You say all this started when he did the Schrodinger's Cat experiment on a test?"

"That's right, stop poking me!" Joel was about to do another round of poking when Quark said this. Instead, Joel took another swig of the beer he had taken out when Quark started talking.

"Alright, try the experiment again;" he said in a conciliatory voice.

"That has absolutely no chance of working! Your suggestion makes no sense!" Quark was clearly frustrated.

"It makes as much sense as it working the first time," Joel took another swig of beer.

"Good point! It makes no sense that it worked the first time!"

Quark left, Joel took another swig of beer and muttered "I should stop drinking so much." Then, "I'll start on that tomorrow."

# # #

Charles was walking down the road, hand-in-hand with the test. This was very impressive, when you realize that the test had no hands

"Welcome to Fantasy Island!" Charles had started repeating that to himself.

All of a sudden, a car pulled up and Quark leapt out. "I've figured it out! All we have to do is do the experiment again and you're back to normal!"

"Welcome to Fantasy Island."

"Well, normal for you."

"Welcome to Fantasy island."

"So, how does that sound?"

"Welcome to Fantasy Island."

"OK, what about you?" Quark said to the test.

"I want to liiiivvvveee!" Charles poked the test. "I mean, hey boss de plane!" the test corrected itself.

Charles and the test wandered off.

"OK, this could be harder than I thought..." Quark muttered.

# # #

That evening Quark tried to redecorate the lab to look more like Charles's dorm room.

"Now just go to sleep..." the conniving cat said.

Charles got in the bed, rummaged around for a few seconds, and then threw out the old shoe box. The test had a smaller bed of its own.

"Maybe the box is not necessary to the experiment." Quark said doubtfully.

"They laughed at my work, *laughed*, now who's laughing?" Charles giggled manically.

Quark did not reply. After an embarrassing silence, Charles continued, "*Me* that's who!"

Quark hauled on the chains attached to a platform that contained the beds. it was only him so it was a hard pull, then Charles joined in and things got easier. Lighting stuck the experiment and Quark started pulling again and the experiment came down. The bed was empty.

"It's allliivvvve, do you hear me? Alllllivvee!"

Quark stopped in mid rant when he noticed Charles standing next to him.

"Allliv-hey what are you doing here?"

"Mu hahaha!" Charles replied then he kicked the test's bed

"Hey boss, de plane" the test said, Charles poked it and it said "I want to liiivvve!"

Quark put his face in his paws.

# # #

Charles and the test ambled up to the Student Union only to find "Rita!" Charles cried out when he saw her.

Rita, for her part, turned to him coldly and said, "You never called."

"I tried, but I got 'This number is not in service.'"

"Hmph! So you *say*."

"Look, if you don't believe me, I'll sit you down with Quark."

"Is that the talking cat?"


"Oh great: he's offering to have his cat cover for him."

"My *talking* cat."

"So in addition to being crazy...oh never mind."

Charles plopped down across from her and said "So, how've you been?"

Rita popped her gum and said, "Who's your friend?"

"This is my test in basket weaving."

Charles poked the test who said, "I want to liiiivvvve!"

"I must be really nuts," Rita put her face in her hands.

Then, "How are you?" Rita said to the test.

The test looked at Charles and then said, "Pretty good, all things considered."

"So, what have you been up to?" Charles tried to rekindle the conversation.

"Oh, this and that," Rita said reflexively.

At this point Quark came in, shoved Charles over, and sat down, and said "How's it going"

"You know, I'm hanging onto my sanity by a shred." Rita looked like she was going to put her face in her hands.

"Is this guy boring you?"

"He's interesting, I'll give him that."

"I'm trying to get him to do the whole Schrodinger's test experiment again." Quark tried to explain. "Otherwise it's this again."

Quark kicked the test under the table.

"I want to liiivvvvve!" the test reiterated

# # #
"So, what are we doing again?"

"We're going to repeat the experiment in the hope that it clears up the whole quantum nonsense," Quark said to Rita.

Quark and Rita were decked out in white lab coats while Charles was in bed: he was the experiment this time. There was also a smaller bed for the test. Charles had reverted to what they were now calling Rourke mode.

"Welcome to Fantasy Island."

"Why do you have a clipboard?" Rita said.

"For the look of the thing." Quark replied.

"So, we run the experiment again and he'll return to normal?"

"Welcome to Fantasy Island."

"Well, normal for him."

"That's the idea."

"But it makes no sense!"

"About as much sense as everything else."

A rumbling outside heralded an approaching thunderstorm.

"And what's with the thunderstorm?" Rita said, crossing her arms.

"Relax, it's just a short story," Quark tried to soothe her.

Quark and Rita hauled on the chains to hoist  the experiment into the storm.  The experiment was hit by a bolt of lightning, and they brought it down again.

"Good news!  The test is just a piece of paper again. Also Rita's still here," Quark said.

"The bad news is the test reverted to an F."

"I dunno, Quark, how're we gonna get me outta this mess!" said Charles.

Quark put his face in his paws.

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