Quark's Human

QUARK’S HUMAN

By Clark Hobbie



The cat wanted him dead.

Ever since Charles had used Quark, the lab mascot, as the star in the Schrodinger’s cat experiment, the feline had it in for him.  Most of the time Quark’s attempts were relatively easy to avoid: this morning he had found a suspicious package on the bottom of his car, but sometimes they were a bit harder to spot.  That afternoon, for example, a grand piano had crashed to the ground next to him while he was standing next the Fine Arts building.

Schrodinger’s cat, as Charles’s friend Joel explained to him one night over some beers, involved the weird behavior of quantum mechanics.  A cat was placed in a box with a device that would either kill the cat or do nothing, all based on a quantum event.  The point was that between the time that you pressed the button and the time when you checked to see if the cat was still alive, it was both alive and dead at the same time.

“That’s a load of crap!”  Charles said, slamming down his glass.  “The cat is either alive or dead!  It can’t be both!”

“Ah, but that’s the magic of the world we live in: things are uncertain.”  Joel smiled beatifically.

“Well, what happened when people tried the damn experiment?”

“It’s a though experiment, nobody has actually tried it!”

After that, it was inevitable that Charles would perform the experiment.  When he had heard about the paradox of buttering a slice of bread on both sides and then seeing which side hit the ground, he had tested it out the next day.  As it turned out, the bread stuck to the ceiling when he tossed it into the air.

Charles had been nervous as he put Quark into the box.  It was the way the cute, furry face looked at him as he closed the lid.  His hand shook as he was about to press the button.

“For science!”  he breathed, and pressed it.

After a short pause he opened the box.

He closed it.  Then opened it again.

The box was empty.

Of the results that he had envisioned, this was not one of them.  Living, dead, even somewhere in between were all possibilities that he was prepared for, but missing was not something he had expected.

“Lose something?”

Charles practically jumped out of his skin.  He looked around wildly and saw a miniature trench-coated figure standing on the table behind him.  It was wearing a fedora like some kind of gumshoe from a detective novel.

Slowly, the figure raised its head until Charles was staring into the malevolent glare of Quark’s furry face.

“When you perform a Schrodinger’s cat experiment on someone, you’d better be prepared to finish it.”

Charles blinked.

“Quark?”

“You were expecting someone else?”

“Actually, I wasn’t expecting anyone.”

“You got me.”

“And who are you, exactly?”

“You already know: I’m Quark.”

“Quark couldn’t talk.  No cat talks!  I must be going insane!”

“Then you won’t mind dying.”

“What?!”

“Look, bub, until today I didn’t have to worry about this free will stuff.”  The cat glared at him.  “And I have you to thank for this.  You must pay.”

“If this is about the experiment I can explain.”

“Sure you can.  You put a sweet little kitty into a box with poison gas just so you can reassure yourself that things are either-or.  Well, tough, they ain’t.”

“How did you know about that, and how did you get out of the box?”

“The answer to your second question is quantum tunneling.”

“What’s that?”

“Look, do you want to die or what?”

“No!”

Quark stared at him for a long moment, then pulled his fedora over his eyes.

“Then I’ll see you in Copenhagen.”

Quark vanished.  He didn’t even leave a grin behind.

Just then Joel walked into the lab and stopped short.

“What are you doing?”

Charles stepped nervously in front of the box.  “What makes you think I’m doing anything?”

“You’re wearing a lab coat.  No one wears those to do experiments except someone like you because that’s what you think a scientist would wear when doing an experiment.”

“They don’t?  Really?”

“I knew you were up to something.”

Charles tried a different tack.  “You’re fat.”

Joel frowned. “That’s not very nice.”

“But you weren’t just a moment before.”

“I think you’re going nuts.”

“And your clothes are different.”

“Now you’re complaining about how I dress?”

Charles cocked his head to the side.

“What is quantum tunneling?”

“Don’t try to change the subject!”

“Well, the cat mentioned it…”

“What cat?”  Joel side-stepped Charles and looked at the box.  His face went white.

“Where’s Quark?”

“That’s a good question.”

“Tell me you didn’t try the Schrodinger’s cat experiment.  Oh, who am I kidding, of course you did.”

“Not necessarily.”

Joel gave Charles a hard look: “So is the cat alive or dead?”

“That’s what I was trying to find oiut.”

“Well, it should be fairly easy to figure out…”  Joel opened the box.  “So he made it?”

“Not exactly.”

Joel put his head in his hands.  After a few moments he said in a muffled voice: “Look, the cat may be both alive and dead during the experiment, but after the experiment it’s definitely alive or dead, so which is it?”

“Alive then, I guess.”

“You guess?”

“Has Quark ever talked to you?”

Joel stared at him.  “You’ve totally lost it.”

Excusing himself from Joel’s presence, Charles walked back to his dorm.  He was so preoccupied that he almost stepped in front of a speeding truck.  Out of the corner of his eye, Charles thought that the driver seemed rather furry.

Pondering this new development, Charles made it back to his room without further incident.  Once there, however, he was in for a surprise.

“What are you doing there?”   Charles asked the stranger sitting on his roommate’s bed reading a textbook.

“Studying.”

“Are you a friend of Frank?”

“Who’s Frank?”

“My roommate!”

“I’m your roommate.”

“No you’re not!”

“Did you hit your head or something?”

“No!”  Charles frowned.  “Did Quark put you up to this?”

“Who?”

“Never mind.”  Charles grabbed his schedule and left, heading for the student union to get something to eat.

Once at the union, Charles found that the deli had closed early, though a sign by the door claimed that the closing time was 30 minutes earlier than he remembered.  He glared at the sign, then got a chocolate bar from a vending machine.

As he ate, Charles looked at his schedule and practically choked.

His classes were at different times from when he remembered.  Some of the classes weren’t even ones that he had signed up for.  As he scrutinized the schedule, a girl ran up to the closed door to the deli.

“Damn!”

“You don’t happen to know Quark, do you?”

The girl peered around at him.  “That has got to be the worst pick up line I have ever heard.”

“Hey, I wasn’t hitting on you.”  She frowned.  “Not that you’re not attractive or anything.”

“Who’s Quark?”

“He’s…he’s um…the lab mascot.  He’s a cat.”

The girl stared at him like he was insane, then stuck out her hand.  “I’m Rita.”

“Charles.”  They shook hands.

“Why do you want to know if I know some cat?”

“It’s just the way that you rushed in here.  It’s…it’s what I did.”

“What, with the deli?”

“Yeah.”

“What does that have to do with a cat?”

“Oh, nothing, never mind.”  Charles sat down again.  After a moment Rita joined him.

Charles tried to concentrate on his schedule, but Rita made him self-conscious.  “Sorry, did you need something?”

“Sorry, that whole statement was so weird that I need to hear the story behind it.”

So Charles told her.

“That’s a load of crap.”

“It’s the truth!”

“It’s truthfully a load of crap.”

“If it were me, I wouldn’t believe it either.”  The two humans turned to see a trench coat wearing cat sitting on the bench with them.

“Well I’ll be…” Rita said wonderingly.

“Hey, thanks!”  Charles told the cat.

“The least I could do, since I’m going to kill you.”

“How is killing him going to make things any better?”  Rita asked.

“Well it will make me feel better – now quit poking me!”  Rita stopped in mid-prod.

“Sorry, just wanted to make sure you’re real.”

“Well, I am – now quit it!”

Giving the cat a crafty look, Charles asked “would you stop trying to kill me if I found a way to change things back to the way they were before?”

“Maybe, have you?”  Quark regarded Charles suspiciously.

“No, but I’m just asking, you know, in case…”  The cat glared at him.

“Anything the two of you want to say to each other before I get rid of this furball?”

“Yes.”  Rita said, surprising them, “you are, without question, the strangest person I’ve ever met.”  Charles scowled.  “Today” Rita amended.  “If you do manage to survive somehow, give me a call, I want to hear how this all works out.”  Rita scrawled her phone number on Charles’s schedule, then got up and walked away.

Charles sat back and gave Quark a foolish smile.  Quark continued to glare at him.  Charles realized the situation he was in and stopped smiling.

“Can’t we call it quits?  I mean now I have something to live for.”  Charles said hopefully.

“No way, you’re going down, buster.”

Quark got up and stalked away.  Charles couldn’t help noticing that he still walked about on four feet instead of two.

* * *

Charles and Joel sat down at a table, beers in hand.

“So,” Charles said “what the hell is going on?”

“I think you’re crazy.”

Charles took a sip of his beer.  “Any other ideas?”

“And you’re nuts.”

Charles frowned.  “I think that falls under the same category as ‘you’re crazy.’”

“Yup.”  Joel took a pull from his beer.  “So what did you say is going on?”

“Everything is…unpredictable.”

“Life is unpredictable.”

Charles gulped his beer down “I can’t go on this way!  I mean, I don’t even know what to study for because I’m not sure which classes I’m taking!”

Joel considered this.  “I still think you’re crazy.”

Charles glared at him.  “Could this have anything to do with the Schrodinger’s cat experiment?”

Joel thought about that.  “Have you ever heard of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principal?”

“Isn’t that about how the act of observing changes the thing you are observing?”

“That too, but it also means that, for example, you might know what class you’re taking, but not when, or vice versa.”

“That’s a load of crap!”

“You said that about the Schrodinger’s cat experiment and look where it got you.”

Charles shut his mouth in mid-tirade.  After some thought: “so this could all be happening because of the cat experiment?”

“I hadn’t thought of that, but it makes sense…in a crazy, stupid sort of way.”

“All right, then how do I get out of this situation?”

“Beats me, this whole thing is nuts.”

“What if I did the experiment again?”

“First of all, you’d never get Quark back in the box.  I mean, if what you say is true then the furry little bugger has it in for you, am I right?”

“Yeah, but…”

“Second…” Joel said, holding up a hand, “…repeating the experiment might just scramble things even more.  What you need to do is invert the polarity.”

“You mean do it backwards?”

“I have no idea.  I just heard that once on Star Trek and it sounded like a good line.”

Charles brooded for a moment, then asked, “what does Copenhagen have to do with anything?”

“What?”  Joel blinked owlishly.

“Quark mentioned Copenhagen before he disappeared the first time.”

“Hmmm…well, ‘The Copenhagen Interpretation’ is one explanation of the experiment.”

“Is that from Star Trek too?”

“No, it’s real.”  Joel reconsidered.  “Well, real-ish.  About as real as the whole Schrodinger’s cat experiment.”

“Of course…’I’ll see you in Copenhagen!’”

“Now what are you talking about?”

“Never mind!  I gotta go find Quark!”

Charles rushed out of the bar.  Joel muttered into his bottle, “Just plain nuts.”

Charles rounded a corner and came face to barrel with a bazooka.

“Quark!”

“Say your prayers, monkey-boy!”

“Wait!  I have an idea…besides, how are you holding onto that?  You don’t have any thumbs…”

Quark lowered the bazooka and glared up at Charles.  “I dunno.  Ever since that stupid experiment I seem to be able to do all sorts of strange things.”  The feline narrowed his eyes.  “So what’s this idea of yours?”

* * *

“The only reason I’m willing to try this is because this time you’re the one taking the risk.”  Quark looked severe, in his white lab coat, a small clipboard and pen in paw.  They were back in the lab, only this time the box for the experiment was bigger.

“Where did you get a lab coat that would fit you?”  Charles asked, eying the box nervously.

“Look, do you want to do this or not?”

“Well, that depends on my chances.”

“They’re the same as last time: 50/50 that you’ll make it out alive.”

“Wonderful.”

“And please pay attention: I want to know if you exist in two states at once.”

“I’ll be sure to keep an eye peeled.”

Charles approached the box with a great deal of trepidation.  Quark noticed and spoke up: “This is the only way that you can get back to a nice, either-or sort of world.”

Charles thought about Rita.  “I’m not so sure that I want that sort of life anymore.  I have to say, sometimes things turn out better when they don’t go as planned.”

Quark threw down his clipboard (which Charles couldn’t help noticing was cat sized) and crossed his forelimbs across his chest.  “Fine!  We can go back to plan B.  Now where did I put that bazooka?”

“All right, all right.  We’ll try it your way.  Just one thing first…”

“And what’s that?”

“I want to make a phone call.”

* * *

Rita picked up on the third ring.  “Hello?”

“Hello?  Rita?  You may not remember me, but this is Charles.”

“The one with the talking cat?”

“That’s me.”

There was a pause, then.  “Why wouldn’t I remember you?”

“Well, we only just met.”

“But you have a talking cat!”

At this, Quark, who had insisted on listening in, grabbed the phone and spoke up.  “Look lady, I’m not his cat, I just want to kill him!”

There was another pause, then Rita said.  “I’m talking to the cat now?”

“It’s Quark: not ‘the cat.’”

“How are you holding the phone?  You don’t have thumbs.”

“I don’t have to take this!  Why did you call her anyway?”  Quark glared balefully at Charles.

Charles grabbed the phone back from Quark.  “I need you to help with an experiment.”

“An experiment?”

“We’re going to try the Schrodinger’s cat experiment again…except this time I’m going to take the place of the cat.”

“Then it’s not the Schrodinger’s cat experiment.”

“What?”  Charles looked askance at the phone.

“If the experiment isn’t being performed on a cat then you can’t very well call it the Schrodinger’s cat experiment.”

“Well, what would you call it then?”

“What’s the cat’s name again?”

“Quark!”  Quark hissed.

“Right, it would be the Quark’s human experiment.”  Rita pointed out.

“Aren’t you at all worried that I might die?”  Charles asked plaintively.

“Oh…that sucks.  Glad it’s you and not me.”

“I said might die!”

“Then what are you worried about?”

“Look, do you want to help or not?”  Charles asked.

“Why do you want my help?”

“I’m afraid the cat will cheat.”

“Hello!  My name is Quark.  I mean, it’s not that hard to remember!”  Quark interjected.

“I dunno…” Rita responded.

“You get to wear one of those cool white lab coats…”  Charles pointed out.

“Oooo sold!  Where is this lab?”

* * *

Charles stepped nervously into the box, careful of the vial of poison gas.  He turned to Rita, complete in a white lab coat, and said “Now don’t try and stop me.”

“Don’t worry.”

“And you’ll make sure Quark doesn’t cheat?”

“Right.”  She turned to Quark. “Where did you get that lab coat?  I mean, it’s cat sized.”

“Same place I got the clipboard.”  Quark replied without looking up.

“And my odds are 50/50, right?”  Charles asked nervously.

“Hey, this is my only chance of getting back to a normal life.  I wouldn’t cheat on you.”

“Really?”

“Well, if this doesn’t work I’ll probably try to kill you again.”

“Hey!”

Quark closed the box.  Charles thought for a moment about beating on the lid and decided it would be too undignified.

He waited a moment.  Then another.  It was dark inside the box.

Finally Charles got tired of waiting and opened the lid.  He looked around and saw Quark.

“Well?”

The cat just stared at him.

Charles noticed that Quark wasn’t wearing his lab coat any more.  Charles frowned and looked around again.  “Rita?”

But the girl was nowhere to be found.

Charles took out his schedule and sighed with relief:  His classes were back to where he expected them.  Then he noticed that Rita’s number was missing.  He cursed under his breath.  He looked over at Quark, who was starting back at him in that strange, cat-like way.

“C’mon, kitty.  I’ll buy you a saucer of milk.”

Charles thought wistfully about things not turning out like he had planned.

“Thanks, bub.”  It was so faint he thought he almost had imagined it, punctuated with a purr.